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knitting at Anna's apt living room

07.24

I have been going to bed super late and waking up around 3 pm. It was really hard to change the sleeping cycle when it stayed like that for very long period of time and also I was kind of depressed.. Though I feel like this kind of days are the days that is completely necessary because you spend time thinking a lot about yourself and the situations that occurred these feelings. It is type of self reflecting time... we all say that we need to be active and not be too sad but it's very important to spend some days or even weeks doing absolutely nothing and let yourself be miserable. However the key is to get out of it quickly but get out with the answers what you have learned from the experience that made you feel destroyed. The answers can be hazy but at least you had time to process the feelings and objectively look at the situations. I was on the process of developing my own depression-coping mechanism since I went back to Seoul and terribly failed it and didn't worked at all for me but I guess it needed time to develop it and now I finally have pretty set rules.

They are:


1. Pick one day and talk to my closest friend about everything and through that hear myself talking about what really was bothering me... and tell them briefly about my plans from tiniest things to grander scale.

2. Right down the plans in order. For me, it is so important to write down in order of "what is important -> less important."

3. Give yourself some time and start with little things ... laundry, grocery shopping, cooking for yourself, journaling, and etc etc

4. Start incorporating the little tasks into your routine for grander scale plans. (ex. buy materials, research about the things that you want to apply or go)

5. Repeat the third and fourth steps

6. Found yourself doing well one day


It sounds simple but it is so hard to even picking a day to start this mechanism. The reason I was so eager to change my current life style was because I had an epiphany of "never think of a person as a paradise" while I was in the shower the other day. I was deeply attracted to secure situations and thought it will turn my life over, but I was wrong!!!! I won't say much but it definitely made myself to be who I was before, a person who is perfectly fine with her own days.

on our way to k town

I went to karaoke with Anna, Venice, Philip, and Nicky in Korean town and as soon as I stepped in, I started to sing most sad song that I know. Nicky cried lol. Anna was such a good singer and knew all the Korean song lyrics just from memorizing and even her singing was so good hitting all those high notes! I could listen to to her singing over 2 hours non-stop. Met Venice, who is a person from Bangkok and London and Nicky is interning for her clothing brand VeniceW. I knew her existence before I came to New York through instagram because her clothing line is amazing. They look like if they were made out of laundry basket (those twirled ones) or papers. Venice's song picks were insanely funny, many hiphop songs like It G Ma, T.I., and Aladin soundtrack. She would do hiphop gestures even when the song is like a sad songs.. really like her!





07.26

Woke up around 8 am and went up to the roof to smoke. The sky was bit dusky but it was really beautiful. Saw a pigeon sitting on the electric wire and we said brief hello to each other.

Came back to the room, read for a bit and had quick bite of breakfast. The first two hours of my day started in peace and it was a moment that I finally felt settled in New York. Despite the apartment being temporary, I was truly welcomed by the roommates and finishing unpacking to make the empty room to my space brought me sense of strong security -- now that I finally am taking up some physical space in New York, though it is tiny, I feel like I belong in this community.

This day was my first day as artist assistant for Eva Lewitt. I was kind of rushing on my way to her studio and I saw Meetka. It was nice to see her around the neighborhood after I moved here. We waved at each other and I went into her studio. She briefly explained what my job will be like and it is mostly running errands, which I expected but when it is close to the show I will do some studio works like cutting vinyls, mesh, using power tool, and etc. Work ended around 3 pm.


Savy and Oilve came over to my apartment before Thea's opening reception, My Knees Stay Locked, at 17 Essex st. We had really nice conversations and all got drunk from too much beers. After like 2 hours of talking about just general life.. all kinds of relationships, how we all feel this urge to make something with our own hands, that we all like being in the city even though it is very hard, and etc. We went to the art opening before we drink too much but when we arrived it was too crowded and hot and I ended up leaving the gallery right after Anna came. Went back to the gallery today (27th) to actually see the works and I really liked it. The video work, sculpture, and little handbag/ornaments were curated well and the place felt like other world with the crawling sounds from the video work under the blue light. After the opening I went to Seward park and sat alone there for like an hour eating Chinese take out food. I was really sad and also bit zoned out from drinking so much. Got three mosquito bites so I had to go back home.


(↓ pictures of us at my apartment and at the opening)


at my place

at the opening

savy opening beer bottle for me








(these ideas came across my mind yesterday, July 25th, right before I fell asleep. I wrote them down in kakao talk messenger and sent it to me... some of them doesn't make sense)


-capturing the moments and the feelings through the visible language

-the language contains gestures, sound of labor that mechanics produces

-fragility of the actions -- not perfectly choreographed

-they go astray now and then but there also will be part when they harmonize perfectly

-of course there are many other conversation can be made with the choice of material -- the robots but i wish audience can more focus on their sensations, the present moment, when they really listen to the feelings that is evoking from observing the robots dance.

-technology is something that can be discussed later -- it's just apparatus. i need to think about it more, my decision of using robots not real human. humans instantly give audience direct connotations of gender/sexuality/race/ethnicity/body imagery -- there are so many characteristics that we can pick up from just taking a glance at the body.

-there are people around you who are actually willing to help, the disciplines that we made up for ourselves makes it hard to give up on our obligations but u can and seek for the support. when you are very hard, like a rock, you are much more prone to break.

-staying flexible enough and having a hint of vulnerability will make our community much more fluid... less breakable

Updated: Jul 28, 2019

I moved out from Ethan's and got to Anna's place in Bed Stuy. The walk from the G train is about 6 minute walk and there were two cats and three roommates. 6 living creatures were jammed in this one space sharing their times together in really hot, almost like 100 degrees weather.

this is Gene

This is Gene, Gi's cat. His tongue is always sticking out and his very chubby... the other one's name is B.B.G. (baby girl) and she is very energetic not like Gene. B.B.G. would come into my room in the morning asking for food thinking I am Nicky. She also went up to the drawer to knock things on to the floor and play with the things really loudly asking for food. She was actually the one who made me wake up early in the morning for couple days, which felt good. I thank B.B.G. for that but I don't thank her for extremely stinky poo..


Later this night me and Anna ended up going to a club in Brooklyn called 444. I knew this club because Savy told me that she used to work at the door for this place. I also knew it from other people saying it's a new and hip club but it can be weird because it is too new. However, I ended up going to the place with Olive, Savy, and Anna.

Savy at 444

Anna and I drank two cans of beer thinking that would be it for the night but the bartender was Anna's friend so they gave us a big shots of tequilla. After the shots we were both kind of tipsy. We went outside because inside the club was pretty dead and also to get some fresh air. Took some cute pictures with my digital camera and was talking about how we all feel about being in New York and then I looked over to the door and saw someone really familiar.


She was Gia! Gia and I went to school together in Boston and we were quite close if I am not wrong. We talked about what we've been doing after graduating high school and she said she is djing for clubs in nyc and will go trip to Europe soon. My impression of seeing a friend in New York who I went high school together was really delightful -- it was good to see that she is also working her way to find out her own path, which led me to think many people in our age are on similar page. Sometime I get stuck with my own issues and end up obsessively think about myself how I feel like I am very behind for some reason. But when I have conversations with friends who are in similar situations/circumstances as me right now, it helps track down what I have done so far and realize how fulfilling it is to feel very passionate about what I am interested and the interest is still valid even till now.

me savy and olive

I went inside and at this point I was drunk. Me and my friends danced in the first row with intense fog around. On top of being drunk the fog machine would blast the fog occasionally and I was totally disoriented but I was more comfortable to dance harder because of that. I went outside and peed at right beside random dumpster and took some really horrendous pictures of me peeing. Anna and I stayed at the club till 2 am and took a cab back home.


Due to the horrible heatwave, I mostly stayed at home binge watching reality shows with my roommates rest of my stay there. Some of the shows were good and some them were not, they were: Bachelorettes, Euphoria, Terrace House, and Mob Psycho 100 (my recommendation.) I feel like I've done of many things in Anna's house but memory got kind of muddy...

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