I have been going to bed super late and waking up around 3 pm. It was really hard to change the sleeping cycle when it stayed like that for very long period of time and also I was kind of depressed.. Though I feel like this kind of days are the days that is completely necessary because you spend time thinking a lot about yourself and the situations that occurred these feelings. It is type of self reflecting time... we all say that we need to be active and not be too sad but it's very important to spend some days or even weeks doing absolutely nothing and let yourself be miserable. However the key is to get out of it quickly but get out with the answers what you have learned from the experience that made you feel destroyed. The answers can be hazy but at least you had time to process the feelings and objectively look at the situations. I was on the process of developing my own depression-coping mechanism since I went back to Seoul and terribly failed it and didn't worked at all for me but I guess it needed time to develop it and now I finally have pretty set rules.
1. Pick one day and talk to my closest friend about everything and through that hear myself talking about what really was bothering me... and tell them briefly about my plans from tiniest things to grander scale.
2. Right down the plans in order. For me, it is so important to write down in order of "what is important -> less important."
3. Give yourself some time and start with little things ... laundry, grocery shopping, cooking for yourself, journaling, and etc etc
4. Start incorporating the little tasks into your routine for grander scale plans. (ex. buy materials, research about the things that you want to apply or go)
5. Repeat the third and fourth steps
6. Found yourself doing well one day
It sounds simple but it is so hard to even picking a day to start this mechanism. The reason I was so eager to change my current life style was because I had an epiphany of "never think of a person as a paradise" while I was in the shower the other day. I was deeply attracted to secure situations and thought it will turn my life over, but I was wrong!!!! I won't say much but it definitely made myself to be who I was before, a person who is perfectly fine with her own days.
I went to karaoke with Anna, Venice, Philip, and Nicky in Korean town and as soon as I stepped in, I started to sing most sad song that I know. Nicky cried lol. Anna was such a good singer and knew all the Korean song lyrics just from memorizing and even her singing was so good hitting all those high notes! I could listen to to her singing over 2 hours non-stop. Met Venice, who is a person from Bangkok and London and Nicky is interning for her clothing brand VeniceW. I knew her existence before I came to New York through instagram because her clothing line is amazing. They look like if they were made out of laundry basket (those twirled ones) or papers. Venice's song picks were insanely funny, many hiphop songs like It G Ma, T.I., and Aladin soundtrack. She would do hiphop gestures even when the song is like a sad songs.. really like her!
Woke up around 8 am and went up to the roof to smoke. The sky was bit dusky but it was really beautiful. Saw a pigeon sitting on the electric wire and we said brief hello to each other.
Came back to the room, read for a bit and had quick bite of breakfast. The first two hours of my day started in peace and it was a moment that I finally felt settled in New York. Despite the apartment being temporary, I was truly welcomed by the roommates and finishing unpacking to make the empty room to my space brought me sense of strong security -- now that I finally am taking up some physical space in New York, though it is tiny, I feel like I belong in this community.
This day was my first day as artist assistant for Eva Lewitt. I was kind of rushing on my way to her studio and I saw Meetka. It was nice to see her around the neighborhood after I moved here. We waved at each other and I went into her studio. She briefly explained what my job will be like and it is mostly running errands, which I expected but when it is close to the show I will do some studio works like cutting vinyls, mesh, using power tool, and etc. Work ended around 3 pm.
Savy and Oilve came over to my apartment before Thea's opening reception, My Knees Stay Locked, at 17 Essex st. We had really nice conversations and all got drunk from too much beers. After like 2 hours of talking about just general life.. all kinds of relationships, how we all feel this urge to make something with our own hands, that we all like being in the city even though it is very hard, and etc. We went to the art opening before we drink too much but when we arrived it was too crowded and hot and I ended up leaving the gallery right after Anna came. Went back to the gallery today (27th) to actually see the works and I really liked it. The video work, sculpture, and little handbag/ornaments were curated well and the place felt like other world with the crawling sounds from the video work under the blue light. After the opening I went to Seward park and sat alone there for like an hour eating Chinese take out food. I was really sad and also bit zoned out from drinking so much. Got three mosquito bites so I had to go back home.
(↓ pictures of us at my apartment and at the opening)